July 22, 2011.
It’s hard to even write the date. As a teacher July and August are what we live for to relax and distance ourselves from the mad ness of the previous 10 months. For me you might as well take July off the calendar. I start getting up set in late June knowing that Lee’s birthday is approaching on July 6th which is a difficult day for me . That passes with the help of many people who reach out friends old and new but then I start dreading this day, July 22 which is the actual date of Lee’s death. I was at my nephew’s 3rd birthday party out in Commack, Long Island. It was a wonderful party with the twins at that great age. By 4:00 I dropped my Mom back in Queens, I headed home and arrived there at 5:30. I do remember it was raining hard that day but no storms where I was. Once home, I kissed Gene and asked him were Lee was and was told he was playing soccer with his friends. It never occurred to me there was any danger in this. At about 5:45 I was actually startled by what I recall so vividly was the loudest clap of thunder I had ever heard. I looked out the window in shock. I really had never heard anything quite that loud. I don’t recall seeing any lightning. Then there were sirens and then Adam’s call about something happening to Lee. Next the police came to the door and told me that there was an accident and Lee was at Pascack Valley emergency’s room. When I asked if he was ok all the young police officer said was, “Ma’me, I’m not allowed to say” which alarmed me to a certain extent. All I needed to hear was he’ll be ok or something like that. Gene kept assuring me that it was most likely a soccer related injury or possibly a concussion. Gene drove me to the ER while he parked and I wandered in apparantlhy to an area I should not have been but there was no one to direct me. Many doctors and nurses were surrounding a person they were obviously trying to revive with those paddles. I looked down in horror and recognized those legs and feet as those of Lee’s. I remember thinking-’Wrong again, Gene. This is not a soccer injury.” I don’t remember what I was thinking but I was whisked away to a small room where Gene finally met me. Of course the rest is history when everyone came in to say they were so sorry but he didn’t make it and did I want to see him?? I shrunk back into a corner of the room in disbelief while the woman security officer looked at me and nodded. “Go see your son” she said. ” Go to him now or you might regret this later on.” So I listened thinking she had more experience in this. I went to Lee, eyes wide open and cool to the touch. His chest was dark purple. He had a tube from attempted intubation hanging from his mouth which I removed. I still cannot recall what I was thinking. All I could hear was Alice Fagan screaming and screaming and then more screaming. I stroked Lee’s hair and legs and stayed with him until they told me I had to leave. The reality had not really set in. They asked me who I wanted to call and it was my friend, Jane, but she never answered her phone. I wound up driving over there at midnight to be with her. The next morning I was found at 6:00 am walking to the ER. Gene found me up by Pascack Brook Park and asked me where I was going at this hour. I told him I needed to go to Lee that he still probably needed him mother around. Gene put me in his car and we went home. The rest is very blurry but gets clearer over time.
Gene ( as many men do) deals with this more on an internal level. He told me he has a “grief meter” and once it reaches a certain point, he shuts down. My Mom as been a great support as have my many friends who are ALWAYS there for me at the drop of a hat. The gym has provided a haven for me to get lost in physical exercise but it is Lee’s friends that provide me the most comfort and greatest unexpected joy. During his life, Lee wanted me to have nothing to do with any of his friends, which I was kind of forced to respect since he didn’t volunteer too much information about them. I did know generally there names and a little about them. In the years following his death, I have gotten closer to many of his friends and gotten to know so many of them on a more personal, more mature level. There is a big difference between 19 and 24 and I always will wonder how Lee would have grown. It is Jess and Dan and Adam and Mike and Josh and Gary and Kelly, and Amy and Elise and Steve, Jamie , Mike, Dean, Sarah, Jacquie and I’m sure I’ve left a few out but they have added a dimension to my life I never expected. I marvel at how Lee made such amazingly good choices in his selection of friends. I like to think I had something to do with that but he somehow had the instinct, presence, insight , wisdom or whatever it took to choose the most amazing friends.
To all of you : My connections to you in whatever forms they take mean more to me than I am really able to express. I am lifted in your presence and awed by your growth into young adults. I am proud of Lee for choosing all of you and proud and honored that you continue to choose to continue a relationship with me. I am quite sure this might have begun from a “need to” but has continued to a “get/want to.” Over the past 5 years when we get together, we don’t talk about Lee much any more. Their lives have changed and will continue to do so as they should and I’m blessed they choose to keep me a part of their lives. They are a living testament to Lee’s life and will always remember him the way I do. I can ask for nothing more than that on this day or any other.
I love you guys.
